I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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