I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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