I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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