my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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