My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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