did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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