i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
