I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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