apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
as a side note pls kill me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
