i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
