respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
