Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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