I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
