Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
