his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
