I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
