brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
