My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
