This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
