Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
