I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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