uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
