Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
