I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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