Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
