dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
