I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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