Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
