i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
