I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
