FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
