I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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