Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
