I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
