Old men and throwing up are my life now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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