I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
