i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
