doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
