I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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