After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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