All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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