Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
