I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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