my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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