Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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