Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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