you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
