Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
