Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
