I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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