Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
